Predictions: NBA Finals and Strip Clubs

The NBA Postseason is like an evening at a strip club. We start out with 16 sixteen scantily clad women – some deserve to be there, some don’t. We know that over the course of the night the frauds will be exposed. But we’ve paid our cover, and we’re in for the long haul. Everything starts with excitement in the first round (of drinks). Before long, things settle into a lull when we realize that only a few of these girls are worth staying until last call. But we strap ourselves in and enjoy the show. It’s only when half your crew is ready to go that you find that THE girl for THE lapdance (a Celtics-Lakers match-up).

OK, so maybe that was a stretch. But I’m giving you my loves and hates for the Lakers, Celtics, and of course… strip clubs.

I hate that the hottest girls in the building are often the ones serving drinks… It always leaves me wondering what might have been.

I love that Kobe Bryant and Ray Allen genuinely dislike each other.

I hate that Andrew Bynum will see significant playing time in an NBA Finals series.

I love that the girls serving drinks in a strip club are like strippers in training.

I hate paying a cover to sleazy strip clubs. A cover charge should only be used for a nice (not sleazy) bar. It should be a symbol that means, “No diseases in here!”

I love the match-up of Kobe-Fisher against Rondo-Ray Ray… something’s gotta give. And I don’t think it’s Ray Allen’s jumper.

I hate that this could be the last time we see both Phil Jackson and Doc Rivers in a long time.

I love that Ron Artest once “pants-ed” Paul Pierce.

I hate when strippers give me rules. I just gave you $100, lady. I get to make the rules.

I love that Kendrick Perkins is one T away from a suspension, but I hate that a ref may decide the NBA Title.

I love seeing glitter all over my buddy’s face as he struts out of the back room.

I hate looking at myself in an IHOP bathroom and seeing glitter on my face from the night before.

I love the KG-Pow Pau match-up. Both have their kryptonite: KG may be banged up and Gasol may be a pussy.

I hate that girlfriends never go to strip clubs, but act like they know everything about them.

I love that despite all the things I hate about strip clubs…. I still love going to strip clubs.

Finally, I love that this Finals series will be about toughness. If you’re picking the Lakers, you believe that Ron Ron, Kobe, and Pau are tougher than PP, KG, and Rondo. I don’t believe that for a second. And that’s why I’m picking the Celtics in six. And to celebrate I’m going to the strip club! Who’s with me?