Fictional Character Fantasy Draft

In honor of the start of baseball, From the Sidelines has decided to create our very own fictional character All-Star team. The rules are simple: any real baseball player is off limits. We're assembling the team draft style via email, with Alex getting the first pick.


#1 - Henry Rowengartner - SP - Rookie of the Year (1993)

Good pitching almost always trumps good hitting, that's why I'm taking Ravenboozer with my number one overall selection. Most elite pitchers can anchor your staff for seven to ten years if they're extremely lucky. This kid is 12. That means I'm looking at 20 years of 100+ fireballs, and maybe a few floaters. He just has to promise to watch his step when walking out to the mound...

Matt:

I like it -- this is like draft Lebron when he's seven! And he's great a ticket draw for the Memphis HeartBreakers (that's right... I'm naming our franchise right now) Alright, next up...

#2 - Billy Chapel - SP - For Love of the Game (1999)

Sticking with pitching, I'll add a veteran presence for our young superstar. I did some quick and dirty research, and according to the script, Chapel (Kevin Costner) was a "sure fire Hall of Famer" and likely nearing 300 wins. And that's from Vin Scully, so it must be true. Not to mention that he slays the mighty Yankees -- something all Americans can root for! Of course, this sets up a time space continuum dilemma: can Costner play two positions on our mythical all-star team?



Alex:

Excellent catch there on the Costner conundrum. I think it's possible, since these are merely characters. Ok, next in line for HeartBreakers is:


#3 - Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez - UP - The Sandlot (1993)

I'm loving these 1993 movies it seems. However, this guy can play anywhere - literally. Finding a fictional middle infielder is fairly tough, so he'll probably end up playing there most days and fill in other places when guys need a day off. "The Jet" isn't a mere bench player though - this kid is a five tool specimen. Need to hit it right into a the new kid's glove so it looks like he caught it? Done. Wheels? He out ran the Beast - and stole home as adult even though his baller mustache was getting in the way. "There's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die."


Matt:

Strong work with the quote... I think that was inspiration for a "No Fear" t-shirt once upon a time. And adding a strong nickname and mustache is always clutch. Speaking of mustache...

#4 - Jack Elliott - 1B - Mr. Baseball (1992)

It's time to add some power, and Captain Jack is here to save the day! I can't tell you how much I love this movie... Elliott calls the manager "Chief", plays the hot foot gag, and "led this club in ninth inning doubles in the month of August!" He's a World Series MVP, but learns the meaning of team in the Japan leagues. Elliott can be a clubhouse leader, DH when we need him, and even lay down the bunt for a suicide squeeze.




Alex:

I'm glad we're finally getting some offense, I think we're building a contender.

#5 - Roy Hobbs - RF - The Natural (1984)

Another power player and consummate professional. When you have a chance to add a guy that hit four homers in one game, you have to do it. Like Gardenhoser, there are a few special precautions to take after drafting him. Namely, keeping him away from women who have the propensity to poison and/or shoot people. Interesting side note: The Blu-Ray version of The Natural was only released three days ago.

Alex:

Making an addition to the last post, I found where Simmons tried to figure out Hobbs' stats for the season in the movie. His opinion is fine with me, and looking at them, we should have taken this guy sooner. Good thing he was still on the board...

G      AB    R    H    BB   K    HR   RBI    
115   400   92   140   75   85   44   106    

AVG    OBP     SLG
.350   .447    .750

Matt:

Wow... three days ago!? Do they know it's 2010? Btw, I have Mr. Baseball in VHS and DVD... we're still waiting for the Blu-Ray.

#6 - Willie Mays Hayes - C - Major League (1989)

When his head is screwed on straight, he's a lead-off and base stealing machine. He's got more than enough range to cover the field, and Hayes will fit great in our line up -- a spark plug for The Jet, Elliott, and Hobbs (hitting two, three and four, most likely). His airbrush bedroom decor will fit great in our clubhouse as well. We will have to stock up on batting gloves, though...






Alex:

I'm guessing that Willie Mays Hayes is our center fielder, not our catcher - right? Because our catcher is this guy:

#7 - "Crash" Davis - C - Bull Durham - (1988)

We have plenty of power in the line up, so I want a guy behind the dish that can handle our pitchers and call a good game. Not that Davis is a lightweight at the plate, he's a switch hitter and can add some pop when the time is right. "Crash" has only spent 21 days in the majors during his career, so he's due for another call up. Did you know that there was a real "Crash" Davis that played ball for the Philadelphia Athletics in the 1940s? His career line ( .230 / 2 / 43 ) is underwhelming, but that's still awesome. More on him here.







Matt:

Agreed: Willie is not catcher material and I'm not proofreader material. But believe it or not, I did know about the real "Crash." And the director of Bull Durham actually played minor league ball - that's cool.

#8 - Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn - CP - Major League (1989)

Intangibles are off the charts... Best rookie haircut of all time, founded the Pantheon of Spectacled Fictitious Athletes (the PSFA), married wrestling intro music and America's past time. Plus, he's got the electric stuff on the mound to back it up! He can routinely top 100 on the gun and invents his own pitches. And don't forget he works with under-privileged kids... as long as there's a mildly attractive girl involved.






Alex:

Who else would be in the PSFA, the Hanson Brothers? Good choice on Vaughn, he truly does make my heart sing. We're still in need of an outfielder, third base, and a middle infielder. It's time to think out of the box.

#9 - Marla Hooch - 2B - A League of Their Own (1992)

Initially a throw in so Jon Lovitz could get Kit and Dottie, Marla blossomed into a great pick up. She might look a little plain, and doesn't know much about trains, but damn, can she hit. This fills our gap in the middle and gives the lineup yet another switch hitter. This is where I'm supposed to make a joke about the absence of crying in baseball. I won't do it. I will do this: "Hooch" is a badass nickname.





Matt:

The fact that "Hooch" is a nickname for a girl multiplies its awesome-ness by a factor of ten... at least.

#10 - Max "Hammer" Dubois - LF - Mr. Baseball (1992)

I'm not going to lie to you... this was very tough for me. The same actor plays both Pedro Cerrano and the Hammer. I ended up leaning toward the Hammer for these reasons: (1) he can hit a breaking ball, (2) excellent clubhouse guy along the lines of V-Mart, (3) his consistency would give great deep line-up protection for Hooch, and (4) he's nicknamed "Hammer" for his oversized... um... bat. If it doesn't work out, we can always bring Pedro off the bench. And he has a post-baseball future as president or selling insurance... it's a win-win.

(Alex's note: I couldn't find a picture of him from Mr Baseball so this will have to do. An incorrect picture is better than no picture, right?)




Alex:

I have to agree, I love that pick. The Hammer was also on "Magnum P.I." once - furthering the connections!

#11 - Roger Dorn - 3B - Major League (1989)

Since you took the Hammer version of Dennis Haysbert, I don't feel bad about taking yet another Indian. Yes, Dorn has some motivation issues, but there's a reason he got the big contract in the first place - he's a good ball player. Not only offensively, he can flash the leather too: he made two great plays in the final game of the movie, to go along with his yard work. As a bonus, he says one of the greatest movie-to-cable censored lines ever. Instead of the "strike this motherf*****r out", he says "strike this turkey out."


Matt:

I can't imagine a clubhouse without Dorn, and any time you have a chance to strike out a turkey, you have to take it, right?

#12 - Stan Ross - DH - Mr. 3000 (2004)

So it looks like all we need is a DH, and we'll have a line up. I think Stan "The Man" fills that role well. With dominating pitching and a speedy line-up, Ross can be our "five-tool" hitter so-to-speak. Need a bloop single? Got it. A deep sac fly? No problem. Opposing pitcher tipping his hand? Covered. A gaudy sports bar? In spades. Ross is a throwback in many ways. Let's just hope he doesn't throw his back out, shuffling that 280 lb frame around the bases. (Yeah, I'll congratulate myself for that play on words!)





Alex:

Stan Ross? I'm ok with him at the end of the bench and pinch hitting, but maybe not our full time DH. We need someone with power, and a good enough glove where we can stick him in the outfield every few days.

#13 - Bobby Rayburn - DH/OF - The Fan - (1996)

Wesley Snipes gets to play in the outfield next to himself, this is great! Rayburn is another guy who's motivation could be an issue, since he has a love/hate relationship with the fans (one in particular). However, he can the best around when he wants to be. We'll promise to take good care of his children and keep keep Jack Byrnes away from the stadium at all times.


Matt:

While Rayburn is tending to Jack and the kids, Stan will be leading the team in roastburgers (that's RBI for all your newcomers)... you watch!

#14 - Lou Brown - Manager - Major League (1989)

With a clubhouse full of personalities, we'll need an grumpy, old fashioned, no-nonsense manager to keep everybody grounded. And when you consider Lou led his club to two penants in spite of a front office from hell, he may earn the title for best ficitional manager. He uses innovative managing techniques (disrobing a life-size cut out of the GM), isn't fazed by a massive heart attack, and is a nut for British soap operas. What more could you ask for?




Alex:

I like your style, and on that note, I'm going for the Costner tri-fecta:

#15 - Ray Kinsella - Groundskeeper - Field of Dreams (1989)

Who hasn't always wanted a baseball diamond in the middle of a cornfield? With limited equipment and man power - Kinsella can make a beautiful field and save us some coin in the process.




Matt:

Nice... Why not wrap things up with our very own hometown radio man?

#16 - Harry Doyle - Play-by-Play - Major League (1989)

It may be an obvious choice, but it's obvious for a reason. Uecker set the standard that all other movie announcers must live up to... and ultimately fail. He boasts a resume full of one-liners, but I'll leave you with just a few...

Just a reminder, fans, comin' up is our "Die-hard Night" here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a pennant.

Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

Juuuuuust a bit outside.

Well, the team is set! Enjoy baseball season!